“Pressure. Pushin’ down on me”

– David Bowie & Queen

Here’s a sentence I never thought I’d say – 

Yesterday Clinton & I (along with two friends, Nick & Megan) went to a charity fundraiser hosted by Vanilla Ice. Life is getting increasingly more random. 

But first –

I had a bad Friday. It was go-home day & I had 3 flights. For some reason, my anxiety was extreme even though I don’t really know why. At home I managed to doze off on the couch but Clinton woke me up & made me go to bed – as soon as I got to bed, the voice inside my head started attacking me. “You’re a loser. You’re fat. You’re gonna lose your job (don’t ask me where that one came from because I have no idea). You’ve failed. You have nothing & you have done nothing. They won. You will NEVER win” I laid in bed & sobbed until I finally fell asleep around 2 AM. 

Saturday I talked to my mom for a long time. I wasn’t feeling that much better but I did cheer up on a surface level. It’s almost like an emotional hangover. Clinton & I cleaned the house, which always helps even when I’m not feeling anxious or depressed because I hate mess, and then I went to the grocery store to prep for Nick & Megan’s arrival. We were going to be meeting them as well as Nick’s mom & step-dad at Lost Lagoon for dinner, then they would be coming back to our house. 

I was even a little anxious when we first got to the restaurant. Let me preface this by saying – I can’t explain it. I don’t know why I’m anxious but I always have been. I’ve never been carefree a day in my life. I have managed to get it under control many times but it always comes back. 

Once everyone got there though & we were all laughing & having fun, I felt a million times better! I didn’t even have to drag myself into being present…I just was. We even went to the beach later that night & picked up shells and scouted for jellyfish & I felt pretty good & normal. And it continued onto the next day…

A few weeks ago I saw a post on Facebook about a charity event in Palm Coast hosted by Vanilla Ice at a pizza place. They were giving 100% of in total sales in EVERYTHING (drinks, appetizers, pizzas, etc) to Little Smiles which is a South Florida charity that helps terminally ill children & their families. They do things like provide movie nights, crafts, & birthday celebrations for these kids to keep them feeling like ,well, kids while times are difficult for them. I told Clint I wanted to go & he was down! Then I remembered Nick & Megan were supposed to be down that weekend but it all turned out cool – there’s a winery on Flagler Beach that Megan loves & had asked if we could go to & so I mapped it from the pizza place & it was 15 minutes away! It couldn’t have been more perfect!

We got up & I made us breakfast (my dad’s breakfast casserole which is a huge hit) & we made our way first to New Smyrna, then all over Daytona, THEN to the winery for yummy wine slushies named after infamous hurricanes. It was slightly chilly and breezy and I’d worn a little tee-shirt dress that I kept having wardrobe malfunctions with so I was having to tuck it between my legs & waddle around like a penguin but once we sat down on the patio & had the sun shining down on us…perfection. I was 2 Hurricane Irma’s deep with the sun on my face & my only anxious thought was the fact I was convinced I’d left the oven on from breakfast & hopefully if our house went up in smoke, one of our neighbors would call us & be able to rescue Ziggy. Anxiety. It’s a bitch. I wish my brain wouldn’t do these things to me…I really was vibing. I really was having the best time on that patio. So why does my brain need to find something to obsess over & fear? I thought about the oven from then on for the rest of the evening until we made it home & ,lo & behold, Clinton was right & the oven had been off after all! I looked at Megan and said “Well, I almost overreacted there!”

Anyways, after our time at the winery we headed up the road to Bronx House. It was PACKED!! It was busier to see Vanilla Ice than it was the entire week Brad Pitt was in town filming his movie! We sent the guys in to order our pizza, garlic knots, & drinks while Megan & I went outside to where -we thought- Mr. Ice was. We couldn’t find him so I just decided to ask this man who was wearing a shirt with a Vanilla Ice quote on it (NOT “word to ya motha” shockingly) & he told us that he wasn’t there at the moment but would be back any minute. Well, we waited nearly an hour but it was going to take that long for our food anyways so we made the best of it – Clinton hit all the vendors for the freebies, I followed any lead I could get on Vanilla Ice, & Nick and Megan patiently waited for the pizza. We were next to a group of people wearing shirts that said “CHUGGERS” on them & they were doing all these Facebook lives & TikTok’s & anytime they get rowdy & start to chug their beers, my husband would jump in the group with them in view of their cameras and chug his Pepsi Zero. I was rolling. I even joined the CHUGGERS Facebook page to see if he’s in any of their videos.

At this point, I’d like to thank my pals & my man for being down for this random, sorta weird plan of mine. However, I’m not one to pass up a) charity b) pizza & c) celebrity sightings. They were all such champs about it! 

The next few moments were a whirlwind – Ice was back & our food was ready!! I whipped out my phone to start my video and…FILMED THE WRONG GUY!!! In my video you can hear Megan and I yelling back & forth to each other –

“Autumn you’re filming the wrong guy! That’s not him!” – her

“Yes it is!!!” – me

“No It’s not he was the one driving the truck!!” – her

“MEGAN I KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!” – me

“SO DO I!!” – her

“No!! No!! Wait…oh my God you’re right I messed up! BABE!!! YOU NEED TO TAKE A GOOD VIDEO BECAUSE I MESSED THINGS UP ALREADY!!” – me

“You were filming some guy with a face tattoo!!” – her

As always, my man pulled through & got me a good video, I ran into the crowd & snagged a few pictures, & we found Nick and Megan behind a van eating garlic knots. We ate our pizza in the Publix parking lot that we (probably illegally) parked in & made our way home. 

The goal for the fundraiser was $30,000 and they made something like $83,000! I was happy we went & were a part of it & had some fun.

I’m not trying to be all sappy but it was good for me to have them as company this weekend. With those 2, there’s no real negativity or drama. They’re just a happy couple. Happy with each other, their baby boy, their friends. I can’t be around negativity right now. I wish they lived closer.

I’m back at work, I’m in Fort Lauderdale tonight and all day tomorrow. I’m pretty good today. I’ve always been pretty transparent when I write about how I’m feeling or what I’m going through so hopefully me being honest about just being a huge sour puss lately doesn’t affect anyone’s opinion on me. I just want to be honest & open. I’m really trying though.

– Autumn