“Another airplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far
From where you are
I wanna come home”

– Blake Shelton

I love coming home.

As a flight attendant, home is such an underrated luxury to me. I know some flight attendants who work nearly every day of the month but that’s just not me – my paychecks sometimes suffer but my life at home always comes first. 

I love our home. I love our quiet, dark street. I love our big, king sized bed with the expensive (and amazing) mattress Clinton & I splurged on when we lived in Boca Raton. I love that our house is always nice & cool. I love my 7 palm trees in my backyard that I’ve given names to. 

But what I love most about my home is who I share it with… 

I love our weird little snake. She is so fantastically unique & although a snake, full of personality. I loved coming home to my darling little Emma baby – she’d almost always be asleep & I’d walk in & make a big deal over her (“Oh my goodness, is that the prettiest girl in the whole wide world?! I think it is!!”) so she’d wake up, do a big stretch, & follow me excitedly into the bedroom so I could change out of my uniform. When I’d be done changing, I’d flop onto the bed with her & smooch all over her & we’d have a quick little cuddle sesh. Being with her made time spent at home even sweeter. It’s not the same without her. It does dampen it.

Anyways, before I start crying, I love coming home to Clinton. Yes, my man my man my man. He carries my luggage in for me, he even empties my bags for me, he unzips my dress for me (don’t make it nasty, I can hardly reach the zipper), unclasps my necklace for me, doesn’t expect me to cook, and generally does whatever I want. If he knows I’ll get home before him, he calls me from Publix with “Babe I’m grabbing a salad for lunch…can I get you something to have for when you get home?” and when I can’t decide, he still buys me my favorite pistachio ice cream & has it in the freezer for me so I at least have my “fun” snack. The last two times I’ve come home to an empty house, I put on a documentary (a guilty pleasure) & end up dozing off. It’s magnificent. I enjoy having the house to myself for a few hours because that’s another underrated luxury – alone time. I get some alone time while I’m at the hotels for my layovers but it’s not like being home. I don’t mind staying in hotels but sometimes I sorta hate it – people are loud, they let their children run wild (I cringe anytime I see a lot of kids at our crew hotels because I just know…sleep will not be had), housekeeping disregards the do-not-disturb signs & knocks on your door anyways…

Our house is quiet. Our street is quiet. Our lifestyle is quiet. It really does your nervous system good. I wasn’t raised in a quiet home so as an adult I’ve worked hard to create a calm environment for myself. Our home is a little sanctuary & I’m grateful to Clinton (and Emma & Nagini) for helping form it with me.  

That’s it, that’s the whole post! 

– Autumn

“’Cause all that I have is a hallelujah”

– Brandon Lake

Clinton & I were baptized on Easter Sunday!

Let’s discuss.

Growing up, no one made me attend church. No one made me learn about God. I actually think not being forced into anything was better for me though (I felt forced later in life but we’ll get there together, keep going!) – I went with my MawMaw Rose occasionally in Kentucky as a child & that was about the extent of it. Our church was Phelps Baptist & it was a big, old white building on a small hill. It was a nice church from what I remember with colorful stained glass windows & rows of light wooden pews with hymnals & bibles tucked into little cubbies on the backs of each one. I remember going downstairs to the children’s nursery with my younger cousin & the preacher’s daughter who was slightly older than me & we would color or play. I remember being picked to read a Bible verse out loud for the entire church to hear & the preacher’s wife, Karen, leaned over & whispered to me “That was beautiful” And lastly, I remember my MawMaw singing the hymns. Bless her heart, do I remember that! 

MawMaw also taught me how to pray. When I would spend the night with her, she would coach me through it as we laid down :

“Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen”

This would stick with me my entire life. If there is one thing I believe in, more than anything in the world, it’s the power of prayer. Oh you’re sad? Tell God. Angry? Tell God. Angry with God? He’s a big boy, tell him about it. Happy? Grateful? Relieved? TELL GOD!

Anyways, other than that time in Kentucky, I sometimes would go to church with a friend in North Carolina but I didn’t enjoy it. My mom & I went with some of her work friends & I reallllly didn’t enjoy that one! I even got thrown into a children’s vacation bible school one summer with my younger cousin Sara – totally against my will & only because my aunt Kathy was the person who picked up & drove the kids to the church – well, I hated it & lasted approximately two days before dropping out while Sara would go on to do the entire ,like, two week program without me. 

I pretty much made up my mind as a kid that while I know that I love God & believe in him, that I was made to be a quiet worshipper. I was just not a fan of a church environment. 

When I was twelve, my mom chose to get baptized. So I also chose to get baptized. Then somewhere along the way, my dad jumped in there & decided to do it, then my younger cousin decided he wanted to do it. I didn’t even fully know what I was doing – I just knew that it was a declaration of love for God & since I knew that much to be true of myself, I did it. I know as an adult that nothing dramatic changes after a baptism but as a kid, I don’t think I knew any better. I expected us to be different somehow but we were the same. For better or for worse.

I kinda sank back into my theory of “I love the Lord & I’m fine to talk in prayer but that’s about as much as I can really do here, like I don’t think this is really my scene”

It didn’t get much better as an adult. 

With my first husband, I had married into a very bizarre Christian environment. I knew from the get-go that I would be expected to attend their church & I would have to alter many things about myself. My first Christmas gifts from his family were a Bible with my name embossed on it (I still use it) & an absurd fire engine red skirt & jacket set because -as I’ve later heard through the grapevine- I “didn’t have any good clothes” – I looked like one of the Designing Women. Delta Burke, specifically.

I was swayed away from my then current hair stylist who was a gay male (and dear friend) & started going to a hair stylist chosen by he & his mother. She did my hair very well & she was a very sweet girl but honestly the best thing about her was that she was who gave me Emma. My long dark hair was chopped into a shoulder dusting bob, I amassed a collection of knee knocking skirts, and most Sundays you could find me front row with my future mother in law & grandmother in law clapping along to the songs I didn’t know. My ex sat in the back, filming the day’s sermon so it could be sent off to local TV stations. The pastor would rant and rave onstage, his face turning a violent shade of burgundy. My ex told me he’d preached himself into a heart attack once. He’d stalk from side to side of the stage doing his best “TV preacher” schtick & there’d be me just staring up at him like “This cannot be real” – I always left that church with a sense of uneasiness. “I am going to hell. I am a sinner. I am a bad person.” That pastor always seemed angry. He never preached on something that left me feeling hopeful. My personal feelings about that place only intensified the uneasiness because what kind of person would I have had to be if I could openly state how much I hated going to church with them? A bad person, that’s what.

One day, about a week before I decided I was going to have my boss start scheduling me to work on Sundays, I was there – front row, as usual, when the pastor said something that struck me “There’s someone here that’s been comin’ here a while now & well, folks, you can tell they don’t wanna be here! They got a real sour disposition. There’s a problem here. And today, well today folks, I’ve decided I’m gonna ask this person to have a private lunch with me so we can figure out what that problem is” He glared at me. I started to panic “Oh my God he’s talking about me” but the infamous lunch invite never came so it must’ve been someone else. The fact that he would almost openly call someone out during church was too much for me though – that was my last visit. 

Aside from the occasional visit to my ex’s family member’s church, I totally quit. I’ve tried a couple with my aunt Patty (who is very faithful) & Clint and I even went with a neighbor but none of them stuck. 

Clinton has asked me for quite some time if we could give church a try. Ever since he was in a horrific accident back in 2019, he has felt a longing to get closer to God. Me? “You don’t have to go to church to be close to God” but here’s the thing – he wasn’t asking me to smoke crack or help him rob a bank. He was asking me for something that could truly benefit our souls & ,I’m not sure who would agree with me here, but our mental health. 

I mentioned our church a few posts back. I won’t give a name as I try relatively hard to not divulge the area in which we live on my blog but if you’re on my social media or know me personally then you know. Anyways, I emailed our campus pastor at the beginning of January & gave him a little background information on us. He met with us privately & I really dug the vibes. People are very casual at our church. It’s a quintessential beach church & I love that. The main pastor showed up one Sunday in his wet suit, still dripping from the morning’s surf & said “I couldn’t miss first Sunday but I also could not miss those waves” I like that Clint can go in a pair of shorts with all his tattoos out & no one bats an eye. I like being able to wear jeans! I like actually understanding the sermons! At my ex’s church they’d take one verse and break it down word by word for nearly TWO HOURS until I didn’t even know what was happening anymore. So to be somewhere that explains things to me in ways that I understand means so much. I stated before that they take a very educational approach with us which I can appreciate because that’s how I’m going to learn best. Things are kept to a schedule, we are there only an hour (sometimes a few minutes more), and our pastor never screams at us. I have finally found somewhere I’m comfortable. I didn’t even know it was something I needed. 

Something I’m very proud of is that throughout this dark period of my life, I’ve never lost my faith. In fact, it’s actually pushed me deeper into it. I’m thankful for that.

One of Clinton’s goals for the new year was to get baptized & he wanted an audience while doing so. He’s been bursting at the seams to proclaim his faith & he wanted people to see it! Me? I’m still quiet. I literally loathe attention. Also, I’d been baptized so I kinda thought “…was that it for me? Am I done? If I chose to do it again, would it be because of Clinton or would it be because I wanted it too?” And then one day, a random thought passed through my mind. “Text Austin. Tell him you’re getting baptized too” and that was that. Three days prior to Easter. I designed a little virtual invitation in case anyone could actually come on that short of notice & made a little note at the bottom to just watch live on Facebook. I went to a Christian bookshop in a neighboring town & bought Clinton his baptism/Easter gift from me – a men’s study Bible in the NLT translation with his name embossed on it. Of course 😉

Sunday we were up at 5 AM (okay, 5:40 for me, I really like sleep) and drove to the beach at 6 for sunrise service. We got there early for good parking. It was freezing out that morning & somehow Clinton managed to break my beach chair, not once but twice. It was a stunning morning. The sun rose beautifully, there were dolphins jumping out of the water, & at one point I looked back to see the silhouette of a surfer sitting on his board in front of the bright sun. At 8, we began our walk into the ocean with our life group leaders. I was happy that they were the ones baptizing us but I was also happy that our pastor (Austin) wanted me to assist Clinton and vice versa. Clinton went first, then me. I didn’t realize I’d done it but when they raised me out of the water, my hands were to the sky. It may have been instinctual as I was now soaking wet but it may have been more also. All I know is that doing this has brought me peace & happiness. 

Some people do not do religion. As someone who has always been a quiet believer, I shouldn’t say that it’s okay but I actually do believe that. To me, you simply do not have to believe if you don’t wish to. That’s the brilliance of free will. I would never (ever) be the type of person to try to convert you or push you into things you’re not comfortable with. I also do not judge. I don’t care how you live your life. All of this has lead for me to say this – this blog will not be turning into a religious blog or anything like that. That’s just not who I am. This has been the most forward I’ve ever been in my life about my faith & I still find it to be a very personal thing. I may mention church or one of our groups in passing but that’s not the direction I’m going with this. This will always be my little space to tell ridiculous stories & probably talk too much.

– Autumn

Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back

She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it, she fled
With every bubble, she sank with a drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done

– Florence & The Machine

I think it’s time for some positivity injected back into the blog. I’m tired of being a sad bitch & you’re tired of hearing about it. 

Let me tell you about my trip this week!

It was a simple four day trip with two flights per day.

The stars aligned ::

• My crew members were fabulous.
• I had two Fort Myers layovers, which is where one of my dearest friends lives (Drea) One layover was 24-hours long so she came to pick me up at the hotel & spent the day with me.
• My other layover was in Tampa, so while I may not have ventured too far from home for the layover part of my trip, that was fine by me because I knew that the temps would be good enough for me to be able pack light!
• The hotel we stay at in Fort Myers provides us both breakfast & dinner so I didn’t need to meal prep very much. 
• No major delays, no cancellations, no drama.

So, on Day 1 we were all pretty exhausted so as soon as we got to the hotel we just had our free dinner (& some had the free drinks but I usually don’t partake) & sat with some other crew that were there. I FaceTimed Clinton a whole 15 minutes and I was ready for bed because we had another early showtime the next morning. 

One thing I’ve learned over my years of being a flight attendant is that I’m going to sleep when I want to. I don’t do early mornings well so if I’ve had to do one, I’m exhausted by day’s end and if I have an early morning the next day, I take it upon myself to be responsible and go to sleep. I will go to sleep at 6 or 7 o’clock & I don’t feel guilty about that anymore because that’s what my body needs AND it sets me up for success the next day. Believe me, I’m not missing anything on these layovers. I do not feel the need to be wide awake & running around New Orleans or San Juan or wherever – I’ve been to these places into the double digits at this point – I’m sleepin’ leave me alone.

So the next day on Day 2, we just had a quickie little Atlantic City turn (fly up, fly back) and I was scheduled to be back in Fort Myers at 2 PM. Well, we had a good tail wind and we got back at 1! AND we didn’t have to wait for a gate (IYKYK) – I messaged Drea to pick me up at 4 because I wanted to decompress and relax in my room a bit & she got to the hotel at about 4:30. 

Fun Fact – Drea was my very first real friend at my airline! We met on the very first day of training. I saw her at the hotel & figured she was there for training when she was dressed in our company’s colors so I thought to myself “She must be safe to talk to!” And she was. She is sunshine in human form. 

Fun Fact pt 2 – Drea did my wedding makeup! And she did a fantastic job! I have a little bit of a funny story & I don’t know if she will even remember this but as she was finishing up, she was spritzing my face with setting spray when the bottle sorta glitched & big glob of foamy spray landed on one of my eyes. I panicked & shrieked out “WHAT DID YOU DO?!” She calmly started blending it away & said to me “It’s no big deal it’s just practice for tonight” (Your mind should definitely be in the gutter) then she realized my mom was in the room and quietly said “……I am so sorry” Recalling that STILL makes me laugh!

So anyways, our plan was the Miramar Outlets & then grab a bottle of wine and sit by the pool all evening back at my hotel. So off we went to the outlets! I bought a black leather wristlet at Kate Spade because I almost always have one & I use them until they literally split apart at the seams. They are my favorite things to carry as a bag. We went into Coach & Saks where we tried on discounted Christian Louboutins & Drea went back and forth 10x on a pair of white Louboutin sandals, finally deciding against them for the fact that they were white. We ended our shopping trip with gelato and macarons. As we sat in the sunshine & talked a lot out that we’d been going through, I could tell I would leave feeling better. We swung by Target & bought a bottle of wine, then over to Moe’s to grab a bite to eat since I missed the free dinner at the hotel, then we went back to the hotel only to realize we’d left the wine back at Target so there we went BACK to Target again to grab our bottle of rose’!

We sat by the pool until about 10 PM when the employees told us it was closed so then we moved the party inside to the front lobby. Our conversations never stayed on track, we laughed, we cried, we told stories, we looked at pictures – you’d think we hadn’t seen each other in years, when in reality Clinton & I had dinner with her, her husband, & their two daughters at the beginning of February. 

The next day I flew from Fort Myers to Boston to Tampa. We got in late that night but had a long layover so I had all the next day to play. I woke up and went for a two mile walk! I went to International Plaza & Bay Street and had lunch at a poke’ bowl place which was loaded with veggies & clean, fresh ingredients. I skipped the boba tea that I would usually have ordered & went with a water instead. I then went back to my hotel (one of our nicest crew hotels! The pilots stay there as well so you know it’s nice) & laid by the pool for a few hours. The sky was bright blue, it was warm but had a nice breeze, & the pool was heated. You could literally raise me from the dead from those 3 things alone. 

That day was go home day & at the airport that night I ordered some soup & 2 spring rolls from Pei Wei. Well, it took forever to get my order and I eventually had to leave because I only had two minutes to make my showtime. I told the lady at the restaurant I was going to ask one of our gate agents to pick it up for me because I was out of time & couldn’t wait anymore. I had a crew member waiting with me and we ran off to our gate which wasn’t very far, thankfully. We made it with one minute to spare. We asked the gate agent if she’d go pick up my food before boarding but she was working alone & said she’d see if one of the other agents could do it. I felt a little discouraged because I figured I’d never see that food! We got on the plane & did our security checks and afterwards, I went to sit up front while we waited to start boarding. There came the gate agent with my food! I told her “Thank you!” so many times when she said “Actually thank the JetBlue crew member who brought it over for you! Yeah, she said ‘We gotta look out for each other’ & I told her ‘thanks a million’ on your behalf!” I was so moved. People are so nice out there! People are watching out for us! (Us as in…all of us) Because of that crew member I got to my gate on time & I got to have dinner that evening because we were flying late into the night again! 

OH! I forgot ,quite possibly, the best part of my whole trip & it didn’t even have anything to do with me – Ziggy got adopted!!!

Ziggy ,of course, was our foster baby. At the end of January, about two weeks after Emma passed away, we decided to become fosters for the local Humane Society. If there’s one thing I know about myself & Clinton, it’s that we are fantastic pet parents. We love our animals. We love all animals. There is a quote that says something along the lines of “grief is just love that doesn’t have anywhere to go” so with that in mind, we decided to give our unspent love to babies in need. We got approved quickly and met with two dogs at the Humane Society who were considered “severe cases” who needed to get out of the shelter environment – Honey & Ziggy. Honey was a one year old pitbull who had been used as a bait dog for dog fighting. She was terrified of everything & she didn’t seem keen on wanting to be with us. Ziggy (three year old pitbull) was much friendlier but had a lot of anxiety. The workers said they would often come to work in the mornings to see Ziggy’s kennel covered in blood because he would pace and jump so much that he’d worn the pads on his feet raw (I can sorta relate with how I treat my hands when I’m anxious) & he was very skinny. We thought Ziggy would be the safer choice for us to have as our first fostering experience. I think everyone thought we’d be foster fails but after a week or two, we’d decided that as much as we love him, he just wasn’t “our dog”. We spoiled him & pampered him while he was in our care but ultimately we knew someone out there was better suited for him. 

On Wednesday Clinton attended one of the adoption events hosted by the Humane Society with Ziggy in tow – he originally went to the wrong location & almost just decided to say “screw it” & went back home but he didn’t. At the event he met a man named John who has a friend who lives pitbulls – Fernando. Fernando lost his boy pittie last year. He called him up & told him about Ziggy. Clint called me to tell me that he was interested…I got to work making up ground rules (“If he gets adopted & they decided against keeping him then he comes back to US, NOT THE SHELTER!!!”) but in all honesty I didn’t expect Fernando to even show up. That’s just how people are. Well, he did. Clinton said when Fernando saw Ziggy, his eyes welled up with tears. Ziggy looks like Fernando’s pittie that passed away. I think the feeling was mutual though – Ziggy looked absolutely in love with his new dad from the photos I was sent! Next thing I knew, Clinton called me back saying they were on their way to the Humane Society so Fernando could submit to a background check & fill out the adoption paperwork. Fernando actually beat Clinton & Ziggy back to the shelter! He came to our house & picked up Ziggy’s things and that was it – our temporary boy found his forever home. We’ve offered up our babysitting services to Fernando and his wife if they ever need us to watch Ziggy and we’ve already been invited over for Brazilian food at their house! When Clint first called me that day to tell me someone was interested…I cried when we hung up. After seeing the smile on Ziggy’s face in that adoption photo, I know we did the right thing. He is going to be so happy with Fernando. 

And this is why we chose to foster in the first place. 

We have not been contacted for a new foster but I know the opportunity will arise again one day & we’ll probably jump right back in and take it but for right now, I’m okay with not being a pet parent (aside from Nagini, our snake, who hasn’t crawled out from her hide in ,like, two weeks so hopefully she’s okay in there. We call her our “emo child” because she wants nothing to do with us)

Seeing Ziggy’s happy face in that photo reinvigorated something in me. It made me truly, genuinely happy – an emotion I haven’t had too much of over the last couple months. It literally felt like watching a flower bloom or the sun rise. 

I’ve had a good week.

– Autumn

“Tell me what you know about dreamin’, dreamin’
You don’t really know about nothin’, nothin’
Tell me what you know about them night terrors every night
Five AM cold sweats, waking up to the sky
Tell me what you know about dreams, dreams
Tell me what you know about night terrors, nothin’
You don’t really care about the trials of tomorrow
Rather lay awake in the bed full of sorrow

I’m on the pursuit of happiness and I know
Everything that shine ain’t always gonna be gold, hey
I’ll be fine once I get it, yeah, I’ll be good”

– Kid Cudi

Something I’ve needed to work on for a while that is deeply affecting my mental health is my appearance. If you know me at all, you’d have to be a complete idiot to not notice how much I’ve changed over the last handful of years. The weight gain, the glasses, the noticeable gray strands of hair, my nails rarely being done. Sometimes it’s hard for me to look at myself in the mirror. I feel so sloppy and unkempt. I have been unable to bring myself to do better for myself…but I’m hoping that’ll change.

I get angry with Clinton because there’s just no way someone could delude themselves into thinking that I look good or healthy like this but there he is, every day telling me I’m gorgeous. I am appreciative because I spent an entire decade of my life with a man who never told me -not even once- that I was pretty, until we split up BUT I also want to shake him & demand that he tell me the truth because while it may hurt, I need to hear it. In my mind he has to know that what’s happened to me is not normal – how I could go from what I was when we started dating to what I am now is jarring, to say the least. People think this is one of those “Oh she fell in love & she’s fat & happy” situations but no…I am a tragic case of burnout. I am the prime example of what will happen to a person who never stops. I haven’t stopped running for ,like, seven years.

I’ve gained an astronomical amount of weight. Ninety pounds, if we’re being honest. My hips hurt. My hips are shot anyways, thanks to having bad hips at birth. I’ve already had hip surgery on them twice as a kid & currently need my left hip replaced again. I can’t afford it and quite frankly, I’m too afraid to do it so I’m not going to do it. I walk with a limp because of my hips. A Captain called me “Limpy” not long ago…I thought he called me “Lippy” because I often wear red lipstick at work but he clarified that it’s because I limp. I debated writing him up because that really pissed me off. I didn’t because I’m no snitch. However, I was a complete bitch & kept my distance the rest of our time together. I used to at least keep up with my hair because I refused to go gray in my 30s but at $200+ for a cut & color at my salon every 4-5 weeks…it’s also had to take a backseat. As you’ve read in my last few posts, anxiety has taken over my body & something I’ve done since I was a child (a child with extreme anxiety because I was both scared & worried over everything) is pick the skin around my nails. Last week I ruined my hands. Not one of my ten fingers weren’t chewed, gnawed, & picked till they were bloody & raw. My first plan of action is tomorrow after church I am going to get my nails done. It is the only remedy for my picking! I tried a set of press-ons last month that I’d found that I’d bought ages ago but honestly, I’m bad at applying them & I just feel that they look so cheap & poorly done that I feel even sloppier! They kept breaking off on the plane & all I could remember was a good flight attendant friend of mine who broke a nail off & it fell into a passenger’s McDonalds bag!! I would literally pass away if that happened to me so I just popped them all off right there on the jumpseat!

I hate seeing people from my past. I hate that they see me this way. When I went to Alabama to see old friends last fall I was mortified. At the same time, I hate meeting new people too. They think this is who I am when I know that it’s not. I just want to feel like myself again. I feel trapped in this body that doesn’t look or feel like mine. People tell me how to lose weight & I can’t help being offended because ,again, if you know me at all you know that I know to cook & eat healthily and I know how to work out. I’m not an idiot, I’ve been doing it my entire adult life. They think I’m just a clueless, lazy fat ass. I’m not exactly lazy as much as I’m rotting involuntarily.

A few months ago, Clinton got diagnosed as diabetic & we went sugar free. I’ve lost fifteen pounds from that so that has drastically helped but then I look at that remaining number…75. I still have 75 lbs left to lose. It’s daunting. I’ve taken a step back from anything more than 1 cocktail when I go out, I made a trip to the gym in Los Angeles a few days ago (I no longer have a gym membership at home as I know I can take advantage of going on my layovers for free), I’ve upped my water intake, doing my skin care, & have been making sure to spend time in the sun. I know that seems contradictory but I need time in the sun! Also, it’s a new day as I continue to write this so ,hello, from the massage chair at my nail salon! I’m presently making an effort & I’m praying that I don’t lose steam & stop trying for myself.

Having low self esteem after having inflated self esteem is an eye opener. People treat you differently…sometimes I notice it at work as I work in a field where beauty used to be an industry standard. In some ways I’ve wondered if I needed to be humbled. The one time my ex decided to compliment me he said to me “You know you were always out of my league right?” I looked him dead in the eye and said “Oh yes. I’ve always been very well aware of that” The nerve to think I’d never known! I’ve carried around this screenshot for years because it made me happy when this person (a guy I worked with from Indiana that I ended up as really good friends with) wrote me this but it also reminds me that…someone out there thinks this about me & it makes me feel like maybe I can reach this girl again. I know she’s there.

– Autumn

“Pressure. Pushin’ down on me”

– David Bowie & Queen

Here’s a sentence I never thought I’d say – 

Yesterday Clinton & I (along with two friends, Nick & Megan) went to a charity fundraiser hosted by Vanilla Ice. Life is getting increasingly more random. 

But first –

I had a bad Friday. It was go-home day & I had 3 flights. For some reason, my anxiety was extreme even though I don’t really know why. At home I managed to doze off on the couch but Clinton woke me up & made me go to bed – as soon as I got to bed, the voice inside my head started attacking me. “You’re a loser. You’re fat. You’re gonna lose your job (don’t ask me where that one came from because I have no idea). You’ve failed. You have nothing & you have done nothing. They won. You will NEVER win” I laid in bed & sobbed until I finally fell asleep around 2 AM. 

Saturday I talked to my mom for a long time. I wasn’t feeling that much better but I did cheer up on a surface level. It’s almost like an emotional hangover. Clinton & I cleaned the house, which always helps even when I’m not feeling anxious or depressed because I hate mess, and then I went to the grocery store to prep for Nick & Megan’s arrival. We were going to be meeting them as well as Nick’s mom & step-dad at Lost Lagoon for dinner, then they would be coming back to our house. 

I was even a little anxious when we first got to the restaurant. Let me preface this by saying – I can’t explain it. I don’t know why I’m anxious but I always have been. I’ve never been carefree a day in my life. I have managed to get it under control many times but it always comes back. 

Once everyone got there though & we were all laughing & having fun, I felt a million times better! I didn’t even have to drag myself into being present…I just was. We even went to the beach later that night & picked up shells and scouted for jellyfish & I felt pretty good & normal. And it continued onto the next day…

A few weeks ago I saw a post on Facebook about a charity event in Palm Coast hosted by Vanilla Ice at a pizza place. They were giving 100% of in total sales in EVERYTHING (drinks, appetizers, pizzas, etc) to Little Smiles which is a South Florida charity that helps terminally ill children & their families. They do things like provide movie nights, crafts, & birthday celebrations for these kids to keep them feeling like ,well, kids while times are difficult for them. I told Clint I wanted to go & he was down! Then I remembered Nick & Megan were supposed to be down that weekend but it all turned out cool – there’s a winery on Flagler Beach that Megan loves & had asked if we could go to & so I mapped it from the pizza place & it was 15 minutes away! It couldn’t have been more perfect!

We got up & I made us breakfast (my dad’s breakfast casserole which is a huge hit) & we made our way first to New Smyrna, then all over Daytona, THEN to the winery for yummy wine slushies named after infamous hurricanes. It was slightly chilly and breezy and I’d worn a little tee-shirt dress that I kept having wardrobe malfunctions with so I was having to tuck it between my legs & waddle around like a penguin but once we sat down on the patio & had the sun shining down on us…perfection. I was 2 Hurricane Irma’s deep with the sun on my face & my only anxious thought was the fact I was convinced I’d left the oven on from breakfast & hopefully if our house went up in smoke, one of our neighbors would call us & be able to rescue Ziggy. Anxiety. It’s a bitch. I wish my brain wouldn’t do these things to me…I really was vibing. I really was having the best time on that patio. So why does my brain need to find something to obsess over & fear? I thought about the oven from then on for the rest of the evening until we made it home & ,lo & behold, Clinton was right & the oven had been off after all! I looked at Megan and said “Well, I almost overreacted there!”

Anyways, after our time at the winery we headed up the road to Bronx House. It was PACKED!! It was busier to see Vanilla Ice than it was the entire week Brad Pitt was in town filming his movie! We sent the guys in to order our pizza, garlic knots, & drinks while Megan & I went outside to where -we thought- Mr. Ice was. We couldn’t find him so I just decided to ask this man who was wearing a shirt with a Vanilla Ice quote on it (NOT “word to ya motha” shockingly) & he told us that he wasn’t there at the moment but would be back any minute. Well, we waited nearly an hour but it was going to take that long for our food anyways so we made the best of it – Clinton hit all the vendors for the freebies, I followed any lead I could get on Vanilla Ice, & Nick and Megan patiently waited for the pizza. We were next to a group of people wearing shirts that said “CHUGGERS” on them & they were doing all these Facebook lives & TikTok’s & anytime they get rowdy & start to chug their beers, my husband would jump in the group with them in view of their cameras and chug his Pepsi Zero. I was rolling. I even joined the CHUGGERS Facebook page to see if he’s in any of their videos.

At this point, I’d like to thank my pals & my man for being down for this random, sorta weird plan of mine. However, I’m not one to pass up a) charity b) pizza & c) celebrity sightings. They were all such champs about it! 

The next few moments were a whirlwind – Ice was back & our food was ready!! I whipped out my phone to start my video and…FILMED THE WRONG GUY!!! In my video you can hear Megan and I yelling back & forth to each other –

“Autumn you’re filming the wrong guy! That’s not him!” – her

“Yes it is!!!” – me

“No It’s not he was the one driving the truck!!” – her

“MEGAN I KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!” – me

“SO DO I!!” – her

“No!! No!! Wait…oh my God you’re right I messed up! BABE!!! YOU NEED TO TAKE A GOOD VIDEO BECAUSE I MESSED THINGS UP ALREADY!!” – me

“You were filming some guy with a face tattoo!!” – her

As always, my man pulled through & got me a good video, I ran into the crowd & snagged a few pictures, & we found Nick and Megan behind a van eating garlic knots. We ate our pizza in the Publix parking lot that we (probably illegally) parked in & made our way home. 

The goal for the fundraiser was $30,000 and they made something like $83,000! I was happy we went & were a part of it & had some fun.

I’m not trying to be all sappy but it was good for me to have them as company this weekend. With those 2, there’s no real negativity or drama. They’re just a happy couple. Happy with each other, their baby boy, their friends. I can’t be around negativity right now. I wish they lived closer.

I’m back at work, I’m in Fort Lauderdale tonight and all day tomorrow. I’m pretty good today. I’ve always been pretty transparent when I write about how I’m feeling or what I’m going through so hopefully me being honest about just being a huge sour puss lately doesn’t affect anyone’s opinion on me. I just want to be honest & open. I’m really trying though.

– Autumn

And I’ll dream each night of some version of you
That I might not have, but I did not lose
Now you’re tire tracks and one pair of shoes
And I’m split in half, but that’ll have to do

Oh, that’ll have to do
My other half was you
I hope this pain’s just passin’ through
But I doubt it

– “Stick Season” by Noah Kahan

On Sunday my friends had our annual Galentine’s brunch. I love Valentine’s Day, I love Galentine’s Day, I love love…but this year my heart wasn’t in it. I feel so heavy, so worn down. Sometimes I’ll be just watching TV or something & it’ll hit me that I feel like I weigh 500 lbs. I should clarify…I’m not feeling fat…I’m feeling weighed down. It was all the energy I could muster up to go have that lunch. I was zoned out through most of it. I left early. 

I came home & just laid in our bed with Ziggy (our foster pup) while Clinton was out riding his motorcycle with one of our neighbors who also rides. When Clint is home with me I feel so much better but I also want him out there being social and having fun. We have had a very hard, stressful winter that has been riddled with health issues, financial issues, and eventually the loss of Emma. When Emma passed away it felt like a large, painful boil that had been forming in a tender spot on my body had finally exploded. It was as much pain as I could handle. My nerves are fried. I cry at the drop of a hat. I can’t hardly talk about anything serious without that familiar, painful lump rising into my throat. 

Hard times don’t last forever. I know this. I am hopeful that this season of our life is over & that things will get better. I had to have surgery, which put an end to at least one stressful chapter – and it went well & I’m healthy. I’m optimistic that with that chapter closing, things can only go up now. I have less things to worry about. Clinton has new & exciting job opportunities & I’m officially cleared to work again (after the surgery I was on a weight restriction for a little bit & I was afraid of flying when my suitcase weighs a ton) I’m hoping that work drags me out of the funk I’m in because I love my job & traveling. I am going to Phoenix next week for the first time & I’m torn between staying in Phoenix for my layover or spending the entire day in Scottsdale, which makes me feel like my old self again because of course I can’t make up my mind when it comes to traveling & exploring new places! It’s giving me a giddiness I haven’t felt in a while.

Clinton & I have been working to revamp our life a bit as well. At the beginning of January, we thought we’d give church a try. I’ve never enjoyed church but I really enjoy ours. It’s very casual & laid back (our campus pastor has long hair, tattoos, & wore a 49ers T-shirt on Super Bowl Sunday), they take a more educational approach to the way they speak to us which I can appreciate, & I think it’s beautiful that they perform their baptisms in the ocean. I dig it. I leave feeling refreshed & then I journal at home about the lesson. Clint & I will sit around and talk about what we took from the morning’s lesson & it’s beautiful to watch him apply things to his day to day life. I went to church before our Galentine’s lunch but by the time I’d made it home to change, I’d already slipped into the funk again.

Along with church, we are volunteering with the Humane Society & doing volunteer beach cleanups with a group our church partners with. Our next cleanup is next Monday morning & I can’t wait. Doing good helps me feel good. Right now…I need all the feel good I can get. It’s really lovely seeing my husband blossom right now though – he is a social butterfly and to see him in front of the camera at the animal adoption events talking to people about adoption and fostering or him coming home excited with prizes he’s won because he placed in the top 3 in a chili cook off that the Men’s Group at church hosted really warms my heart. Seeing him do so well & stay so positive really helps me & inspires me. I can’t wait to start coming out of this feeling somehow.

Soon.

– Autumn

*Cover photo found on Pinterest. Please don’t come for me if you’re the original artist/photographer.

One of this blog’s founding father’s has passed. This post is for her. – Autumn

I met my soul mate when I was only 22 years old & she was only 10 months. She came wobbling out of her then owner’s cherry red Mercedes & I looked at her and recoiled. “WHAT IS THAT?!” I hissed to my ex, Jordan, “That doesn’t look anything like what we saw on Google!” We had been Googling Miniature Schnauzers for weeks now as we anticipated meeting her but her current owner never would send photos of her when we’d ask…we now knew why. She was matted, she was over grown, she couldn’t see from her long hair, & she had zero confidence. 

Jordan pulled me off to the side & asked “How do you tell someone you don’t want their dog because it’s ugly?” I responded back to him “Buddy I don’t know but you better fix this!” But as we were plotting our escape from this tiny ball of matted fluff, Jordan’s mother was busy pulling the hair back from her face & cooing “Awww guys look at what a cute little face she has!! Loooooook at dis babyyyyy how sweeeet” & ya know what? She did have a sweet face. She had a precious little button nose & big, kind, dark eyes. We took her. 

Emma. 

That night we stayed at my mom’s house & she was restless. So nervous, so unsettled. She was meek & mousy in personality. The next day we had a cookout at Jordan’s grandparents & I watched her randomly get up, steal his uncle’s shoe, & run off with it – I thought to myself “Okay! There’s that personality!” We drove back to Charlotte, North Carolina where we were living & dropped her off at the apartment as we made a quick trip to Walgreens. She barked from the time we left her till the time we got back. She had pretty severe separation anxiety. We started giving her a “cookie” every time we’d have to leave & soon “cookie” was one of the first of many words Emma would come to know. 

It took us about 2 weeks but we finally made Emma a hair appointment. The doggie salon called Jordan and informed him that not only was she matted but she also had fleas so they recommended shaving her. Her told them to do what was needed. When we picked her up I was genuinely shocked. I almost cried – she was so THIN! I thought surely this couldn’t be healthy but turns out…that’s just what she looked like groomed! And she was perfectly healthy! But best of all…she had personality when she felt good! She was a puppy! That night we were talking in the kitchen while Emma ran laps around our living room, full on zoomies mode, squeaking a toy in her mouth the whole time. She was lighter, she was comfortable, & she was happy. 

Oh, but she was a hellion. We had so many growing pains. It all started when I was at the gym and she shredded an issue of “In Style” magazine. “Well you shouldn’t leave your stuff laying around for her to get!” Jordan said. Then it came down to a day when he came home & she had absolutely obliterated some Christmas shopping I’d done. Boxes, bags, & tissue papers were shredded all through our living room by our 11 lb savage. We promptly bought a baby gate and started keeping her in the kitchen while we worked. One day I noticed crumbs in our living room floor – Emma had started getting into the cabinet where her cookies lived, she would take them by the mouthful, jump the baby gate, & eat them on the carpet. Yes, I’m serious. She didn’t enjoy eating cookies on hard surfaces, she’d only ever take her cookies on carpet or soft areas. So we bought a TALLER baby gate! And guess what? Her little ass learned to jump that one too! I got released early from work because of snow one day & as I trudged up the apartment steps I thought to myself “Wouldn’t that be some shit if Emma’s learned to jump this gate too & I catch her?”

No sooner than I thought that, I turned the key to go inside & there went a little gray flash right before my eyes! The trash can was knocked over, my Christmas tree was almost on its side, dishes in the floor, & there ran Emma…with an ornament in her mouth. I freaked out. She was just so EVIL! We were doing this DAILY! I started to clean up in tears & began to mentally plan the Facebook post I planned to write “Demonic dog. Needs exorcism but otherwise free to good home” when Jordan came home & talked me off the ledge. We went out to eat that night & he said to me “Now you gotta think about this…you don’t really want to give up on her do you?” I didn’t. We went home, I sat with her on the couch & kinda scolded her, but from then on we had an understanding. She could be mildly chaotic but please leave mommy’s Christmas tree alone. Oh, and Jordan stacked both baby gates on top of each other to make one super baby gate! I asked him “What if she jumps this one?” He said “Then we trade her to the circus”

After this her new way of causing mischief was to eat things she shouldn’t. A sweet potato, a loaf of moldy bread (she was bloated for days), a half stack of paper plates, uncooked ramen noodles. Didn’t matter, if it was accessible in any way, Emma would look right at it & say “Get in ma belly” Didn’t matter that we kept things in cabinets, walked her for miles to exhaust her, played with her for as long as she wanted, or kept her fed with the healthiest food…She was a vacuum with a stomach of steel. It was honestly like sharing our home with a crackhead that first year. 

Everything came & went. Jordan & I got married, Emma was there. She was in the photos and she had wedding cake (that she didn’t have to steal!) We began to move a lot for Jordan’s job with the railroad so there she was, my little passenger seat rider on her purple Ninja Turtle blankie – heading to West Virginia, Chicago, Kansas City, Nashville, Kentucky, Birmingham, & one day, way down the road, she & I would make our final move to Florida where it would just be she & I. 

Everywhere we moved we stayed in either an Extended Stay hotel or a rental home first as we finalized the purchasing of our homes. Jordan worked nights in Chicago & slept through the days so every day we would be in the dark, quiet room at the Extended Stay as he slept. We would go for walks & trips to Petsmart and work really hard to not disturb his rest. When we bought our first home she would just stand and look out of the sliding glass doors because for so long we were in a dark room. 

She & I were a unit. She was my best friend. Most of the time, she would be my only friend. I didn’t know anyone whenever we’d move but I had her and she had me. We tackled everything together.

As much as I enjoyed Chicago our last year there was very hard on me. In 2014 I started having daily panic attacks that left me totally drained. I would start my day feeling so optimistic but within a few hours I would be hit with crippling fear, anxiety, & nerves. On more than one occasion I thought I would die. I would call Jordan or my mom & tell them it felt like I was having a heart attack and that I wanted to go to the hospital. My heart would begin to race & I would overheat. Thoughts would begin to race & I felt like I was spinning. One day Jordan made me stop and just have something to eat & to focus on how I was feeling. I stopped at a Subway, still convinced I was actively dying, ordered a sandwich, & actually made it through the whole thing…I did not die. But as I ate…I was just engulfed in fear. My fingers trembled & my eyes twitched & with each tremble I’d think “This is it. I’m done for. Hopefully these Subway employees will know what to do when they find me collapsed into the floor” Yet nothing ever happened. But I went through a variation of this every day. That day I went home & laid in bed with Emma. She was right there with me and never left my side. She didn’t bark or push for me to get up – she would’ve laid with me 24 hours if I needed it. Unfortunately for me, this went on for nearly a full year. When the panic attacks slowed, intrusive thoughts & depersonalization entered. At this point, I was scared of myself & Jordan told me it was all crap (& later that I needed to simply keep my mind busy and I wouldn’t “have time to have panic attacks”) but you know who wasn’t scared of me? Emma. You know who didn’t know if it was crap or not but still loved me? Emma. I couldn’t repay her for that love & support if I tried. 

In 2016, I decided it was time for Jordan and I to divorce. Everyone knows why, I don’t need to say it again. I asked for 3 things but really I would have been fine with one. “I want Emma” I said to him. He looked at me and said “Well Autumn you need to realize that we got Emma together. She’s half my dog too” to which I scoffed & reminded him of how while he was out staying God-knows-where with God-knows-who doing God-knows-what, that I was the one coming home to find that he had left Emma alone in the dark for hours, so scared that she would be hiding in the laundry room and having pooped in the floor. Poop that he certainly wasn’t cleaning. It was just so ridiculous to me that the man who never came home to us suddenly decided that she was part his dog too just to make things even more difficult between us. I finally just went dirty about it – “Either you give me my dog or I will ruin your life”

I got my girl.

Over the years, I’ve realized that wasn’t a good approach. But she was MINE. To me, she was my child. To him, she was his dog. I’m sure he cared for her but just not the way I did. I look back now and think “Should I have kept in touch with him about her?” I’m not sure. It’s one of many decisions regarding our divorce that I don’t think I handled correctly but anger alters people.

We moved to Florida on Valentine’s Day of ‘17. My aunt & her friends helped me find a sweet deal on a beachside condo. First floor, right on the ocean. We were going to be beach bunnies! Except…she wasn’t allowed on the beach. She wasn’t even allowed to walk herself in & out of the condo building (I had to carry her in & out or use a pet stroller). She was uncomfortable there so she barked & we had a woman who worked at the front desk who couldn’t stand her. I’d come home from work to notes on my door telling me to make her be quiet – but not from residents, no, they were from SUE. The front desk witch. She would call me incessantly. She called me while grocery shopping one day to tell me that she could hear Emma bark. I said “And what do you expect me to do about it from Walmart Sue?!” One day she told me “Your dog needs obedience school” (honestly sometimes I also believed Emma could’ve benefit from obedience school but her rambunctiousness was the main part of her charm) & I couldn’t take it anymore & blurted out “YOU need obedience school! You only say that because you hate dogs. My dog is perfect!” My upstairs neighbors & dear friends, Patty & Janey, went to bat for Emma – they’d stop by our condo & listen for her & ,fancy that, they never heard her barking! However, it got to the point that we resorted to a shock collar because otherwise we’d have to move. It was so sad for both of us. It changed my baby’s demeanor. It made me feel like a piece of shit. 

Luckily, my airline came knockin’ after just a few months of living in the condo & so Emma went to live with my dad and MawMaw while I did my training & being on reserve in Fort Lauderdale. I was nervous about this too because while I love my daddy, I wasn’t sure he’d be the most responsible pet owner but it turns out, Emma loved being with him! They were partners in crime! He let her eat anything she wanted, he took her everywhere he went, my aunt would swing by just to take her on car rides, & she loved taking care of her MawMaw. Taking care of MawMaw became Emma’s new purpose. She was so much better off with them than me & I never dreamed I’d say that but she was. I was a terrible mother to her for almost 3 years. I still made sure she had her needs met as far as care but yeah, I was pretty absent. As a reserve flight attendant who was based at an airport 4 hours away, it was so hard to make that drive on my little blocks of off days. The year things should’ve got better because I had transferred to Orlando from Fort Lauderdale & was closer to home, Clinton got in a terrible accident & I devoted all my time to him (but don’t worry, members of my family let me know alllll about it) 

During that time though, Emma made friends with all her new neighbors in my dad’s neighborhood. My MawMaw got sicker & so he would smuggle her into a backpack (and once…a giant purse) & sneak her into the hospital to go see her. We snuck her in twice together & when we made it, the first thing he did ,since he was so proud of himself, was to walk right up to a nurse & say “We smuggled my mother’s dog in here!” – notice, not “My daughter’s dog” but “My mother’s” & honestly, I couldn’t even be mad at it. She was no longer just mine – she was the family dog. I shared her with everyone at that point. He started taking her to the rehab hospitals that MawMaw would recover in & she was actually allowed there & I’ve been told all the patients would roll their wheelchairs into the hallways & wait on their nightly visit from Emma Lou. They all would say “Oh what a sweet little boy he is! What a cute boy!” until no one corrected them anymore. She’d spend nights with his neighbor Linda who adored Emma. Well, Linda fell one night and couldn’t get up & so my tiny hero barked until my dad could hear her & went to go check on things & helped Linda back up & on her feet. Emma was an unlicensed therapy dog. She freelanced her services. She was a people dog. I don’t think she ever forgave me for becoming a flight attendant. Sometimes I’d have to put up a mental block to keep myself from feeling like dirt. But I do know one thing – she was in the best care I could’ve ever chosen for her. Her PawPaw & MawMaw LOVED her. Her aunts and uncles LOVED her. And buddy, she loved each and every one of them back.

Eventually when Clinton & I bought our house, I decided it was time to have her back full time. I had still been financially responsible for her & we’d worked out a custody arrangement with my dad when we attempted living in Orlando but now that we were putting down roots, I wanted Emma in a home again with her own backyard & some stability. We fenced in the back yard. We found dog beaches, parks, & springs. We did everything we possibly could with her. We planned to take her to Vegas when we got married but ultimately cost & the possibility of it being stressful on her won. My ultimate travel goal was to take her to the Plaza Hotel in New York to do their pampered pup package but once again, cost beat me. I could just picture us in our matching robes & our silver tiered trays of beautiful treats for the both of us. I wanted us to live like Eloise & Weenie. We tried to make her life with us as full and enriching as it could ever be. She went on boats, motorcycles, & all the car rides a girl could want. She attended weddings (& once, a funeral, which was random but I’d gotten lost on the way to the funeral & didn’t have time to drop her off), she went to multiple Bike Weeks, a concert, she went to the bars, she went camping, & she even met Santa Claus & Uncle Sam! Just a day before she unexpectedly passed away, Brad Pitt was in our town filming a scene for his new movie, and Clinton & I had a serious discussion on how we could get Emma to meet him. Clinton said “I’ll just ask! I’ll say ‘How would you like to meet the cutest schnauzer in the world?!’” & my delusional ass was like “YES! That’s perfect!” because to me…why would anyone, even Brad Pitt, say no to that kinda offer?

Unfortunately, as you well know, Emma Lou passed away on January 19th. I won’t go into details because it was very traumatic for me specifically, which may be selfish, because I know quite a few people who were very hurt by it. Again, it was unexpected which made the trauma that much worse. We couldn’t even prepare ourselves. She’d had a problem that we were unaware of & would’ve only been detected by x-ray & since she never seemed to be in pain, we hadn’t known to request that with her doctor. I know she was 14 & that’s a long life & she lived a full, happy life but at the same time…I thought I had so many more years. I thought we were doing everything right. I took her to her doctor over EVERYTHING. I wanted my baby to be with us forever. I monitored it all – I noticed when something wasn’t right. I knew her. That’s why it was such a shock when we learned she’d had unknown issues. My baby was brave and strong until her last day.

People used to say “Oh when Emma dies you’ll have to put Autumn in a padded room! She’ll go crazy!” & I truly believed that. I was scared for myself. I didn’t know if I’d be able to act right. I have prayed many times over the years “Lord please give me the strength to handle anything that happens with Emma. I don’t wanna be crazy. I don’t want my problems to come back. I don’t want people to worry.” & I do feel strong. Like, I don’t need you to hide the knives & buy a straight jacket. But God I’m sad. I’m so unbelievably sad, man. My life feels weird. Things feel so warped. I have had my girl with me by my side through the best & worst years of my life. My entire adult life thus far. I sorta feel like my youth is over officially. Having Emma reminded me of being 22. She makes me think of a whole other life time. We had the best life together. I wouldn’t have had that if it wasn’t for her. I used to think that no matter what, my life is perfect because through it all, I had Emma. My life isn’t perfect anymore. I am missing a huge, wonderful part of it.

I’m truckin’ along though. Clinton too. Over the years Clinton has fallen in love with Emma as well & I always make jokes that he believes he gave birth to her. It’s pretty awesome actually because when I lived in the condo & I’d have a hard day I’d fall asleep asking God to please send us someone who loved me but also loved Emma like his own. Prayer answered. Anyways, I told my daddy that I cry at some point every day & he says that I’ll have to get over that because Emma wouldn’t want me doing that & I giggle because we all talk about her like she was a person. We sat and talked about her all night at my aunt’s house last week. It made me happy. Kathy, Peggy, & Drea all got us gifts in remembrance of her. My flight attendant friend, Candice, that I graduated training with had offered to make Clinton & I keychains with resin & a clipping of Emma’s hair. I even bought a little gray stuffed schnauzer that I’ve been carrying with me on trips. We also signed up to foster dogs in need at the Humane Society & we’re doing well with a Pitty named Ziggy. People may not ever understand how I feel this way over a dog – again, to you she may have been a dog, but to me she was my baby. I don’t need you to understand. I don’t live my life to make it palatable or understandable to others. I will admit to deleting and purging folks off my social media – if you’re a “friend” or family member who saw my post or heard the news & know me or Clinton well enough to know we’re in pain but you’ve not reached out to us? I want nothing to do with you. I posted about Emma & a few days later, someone who used to be very close to me left a comment on an old selfie of me & said “hotttt” but couldn’t say to me “I’m so sorry about Emma. I know you must be hurting”. I am self aware enough to know that we are not important to everyone. It’s actually really selfish of me to want people to care because there are some real weirdos out there who simply don’t care about a dog dying. But I would care if it happened to them & they were the ones hurting.

BUT for every person I’ve not heard from…the people who have reached out to us with love and compassion is so mind blowing!! People have sent me photos they had of her that maybe I’d never seen, old friends reach out every few days just to check on us, my crew from the month of January were amazing to me. It’s really been eye opening for me on so many things. The relationships I have with the people in my life & what’s really important to me, mostly.

I miss my girl. I know I’ve said a lot, but that’s the main takeaway here. She made me laugh. She was a lover girl – she knew how to love & be loved in return. And Lord, was she loved.

Emma Lou Stremme

The Very Best Girl

08/29/2009-01/19/2024

*I plan to take a small bit of her ashes to New York City with me & sprinkle them in some pretty flowers or something at the Plaza. 

We’re married!

What a totally fabulous, beautiful, stressful, and incredibly fun time it was out in Las Vegas!!

I’ve been debating how I write this blog because I wrote a rough draft on the flight home & hated it so…I don’t know how I want to tackle it so I think I want to do a “Good, Bad, & Ugly” type post.

So because I don’t want to end on an ugly note – that’ll be first. Even though honestly, nothing ended bad or ugly, everything ended up a-okay.

The Ugly ::::

1. I’m the only dumbass in the world who would believe that flying 6 people standby on her flight bennies would be a good idea to and from her own wedding! The flight to Vegas was perfect. Literally perfect. The day we were supposed to go home though? We attempted 3 flights that we didn’t make before giving up and going back to our hotels (my dad & aunt stayed with my other aunt who was staying a day longer than everyone else, I had a free night I gave to my mom and Gary at Bally’s, Clint & I got a free night from his sister at her hotel) – We tried again the next day & ,while we made it on by the skin of our teeth & the fact TSA was so insane that 27 people missed the flight, it was not without tears on my behalf, incredible nausea & nerves, and my dear friend Jade offering up her own standby seat to ensure we all made it. We did. Including Jade & her boyfriend. Life was good.
2. My dear friend & bridesmaid Lindsey (remember Lindsey from my Germany, Paris, & Morocco posts?) & her boyfriend Phill got threatened with a knife by their Lyft driver. I think this affected me more than either of them but y’all, what the fuck? Her flight delayed so I knew she would miss cocktails at Vanderpump’s but while she was finally able to be on her way…that happened & they got stranded on the side of the road. She called while we were having drinks but someone was giving a toast so I told her to hold on a minute – little did I know, she was literally on the sidewalk abandoned by a psycho Lyft driver. She was a trooper though…she made it to the show we went to see that night totally unscathed. That’s my girl!!
3. The reception venue. Now, don’t get me wrong, I largely enjoyed the venue but it was just physically ugly. Staff was fantastic, food was great (aside from dessert) but yeah…I don’t care for celebrity pictures & TVs but, that’s life. I chose what I could afford & hoped for the best judging by other bride’s reviews. But at least the food was good!!

The Bad ::::

1. My Maid of Honor, my cousin Jena, unfortunately did not make it. She had flight issues & it just snowballed from there. The first night we were in Vegas I had went to bed extremely early because I was exhausted…I woke up at 5 & checked my phone to see 6 missed calls & a few texts. I already knew this could not be good. When I learned officially she would not be coming, I messaged my girl Karren who y’all know I love so dearly, & simply said “Curl your hair & tuck in your titties, you’re walking as Maid of Honor” She looked gorgeous & all was perfect. We did miss Jena incredibly though. I love my girl! 
2. Lindsey’s bridesmaid dress broke apart ,like, 10 minutes after she put it on. Poor girl really had it rough this weekend. Our awesome friend Jamie (and seamstress superstar) sewed her into the dress.
3. While at the Orlando airport I got chosen for a random search at KCM (crew security) & had to go through regular pre-check. Well, they made me empty my pockets which had my passport & drivers license in it & I shoved them into my bag so I could pass through the body scanner & never thought about them again until we went to the Marriage License Bureau & needed a form of ID! Luckily for us, they accepted an old drivers license tucked deep in my wallet that had our Orlando address on it so we were back in the game & walked out with a marriage license!
4. I didn’t win a dime.

The GOOD ::::

1. Dude fucking everything. Seriously, where do I start?! I’ll start with the fluff. I felt like a gorgeous bride. I had the dream team of people making me feel beautiful. I have them all listed on a photo of me on Facebook & would recommend ANY of those ladies to anyone at any time. I didn’t look super bridal as I DID wear black but whatever man, I was glam & glam is what I wanted. Kallie, Taylor, Drea, Ellen, Katie, Michael, Kathy, & Amazon…you are rockstars.
2. Vanderpump at Paris. The PERFECT spot for a bridal event. I am feminine to my core – I love being a woman & this place was just so…sexy & girly. The drinks were fantastic (I had the “French Poodle” & a chocolate martini) & the truffle appetizer Karren ordered was divine. I was just so thrilled with that location. I will never be that type of woman that shits on being girly because they act like they prefer Busch Lite…I want the pink cocktail that has the cotton candy in it, thanks. So aesthetically pleasing, 20/10, would recommend.
3. Our flight to Vegas was perfect, we all made it on, we all got spoiled by the crew (I spoiled them too though! Expensive chocolates, Starbucks gift cards, & I gave them shuttle bus tip money for their layover), my daddy got his Bloody Mary’s, my aunt got moved to a window seat all because I mentioned she wanted one, and they made a beautiful announcement for us at the end of the flight (take note, Linda from my last blog post!) I adore my work family!!
4. Puppetry of the Penis. Yep. That’s the show we went to! It was held at the Erotic Heritage Museum, it was a bit sketchy when we got there and we were the only group there (more eventually showed) but it turned out to be as funny as promised. Absolutely ridiculous concept but ya know what? It’s Vegas baby. Did I need to see 2 men playing with their dicks for an hour? Did I need to know that a penis could be shaped into a hamburger? A sombrero? A pelican? Well, apparently I did & I do!! After the show I texted Clinton “Get ready buddy you’re in for an educational night!” & then passed out while he was in the shower. I am doing stranger and stranger shit with my friends but honestly if you can’t ogle a couple of penises with your friends…are they even your friends? Also, shout out to “Glasses”, Jade’s boyfriend who took Jena’s unused ticket & was one of only 2 men at the show – I truly think he enjoyed it & he even wrote on our guestbook the next day that he will think fondly about all the hamburgers we shared. Yes, so will I, & I will remain mildly traumatized that one can do that with their genitalia.
5. Our groomsmen did a replica photo of a scene from “The Hangover” – it was amazing.
6. My wedding had the most gorgeous cast of characters I’ve ever seen. My groom? Fucking perfect. Me? Flawless (except for the fact I got laced into my dress incorrectly, exposing more of my back that shouldn’t have been exposed but oh well I didn’t even notice until I saw pictures). Our parents? Lovely. I didn’t make my dad wear a tux to walk me down the aisle because I wanted him to feel like himself & to be comfortable & having him in a tux or suit would not make him comfortable at all. I didn’t give a dress code, I didn’t care what color you wore, I just simply asked that you didn’t show up in pajamas or wear anything that could be confused with a wedding dress. My bridesmaids were gorgeous. My groomsmen were hotties. My niece & nephew made me so proud. I was just so thrilled with how lovely everyone looked. It was a gorgeous group.
7. The food at Cafe Hollywood really was good! I was so worried about that but the pasta dish & the beef were both very good! I never tried the salmon. The cake was not impressive & quite dry though. Not a fan of the cake but I was so stuffed I didn’t even care. The staff were so kind to us & the waitress told Clinton I was the most beautiful bride she’d seen.
8. Jade broke a glass at the table which means good luck if it happens on your wedding day!! The waitress pulled her sleeves up & proclaimed “Look! I have chills!!” when it happened!
9. The speeches! And the fact that more people kept getting up to make speeches! We had 5 total. 
10. Clinton’s bachelor party experience! The groomsmen gifted him a super car experience so he raced a Ferrari F430 F1 edition (he had to walk me through what this car’s name was because I don’t know shit about cars) around a track. Then they rode some kind of super fast go-karts that you need s license to drive. They also went to Fremont for pizza at Evel Pie & drinks at Dicks. He was the happiest I’d ever seen him that night after racing the Ferrari – I honestly couldn’t bring his high down to tell him I just watched a man pull his foreskin down to where his junk resembled the Eiffel Tower so I just let him talk till he showered & again, I passed out. We have our whole lives for him to hear about the horrors I saw while he was living his best life. 
11. I loved seeing my friends and family meet and mingle with my other friends and family! I loved introducing my parents to my flight attendant friends. I loved the group that went to the show and to Vanderpumps! I loved having people like Long & Phill there! I loved watching Karren give Clinton’s cousin Peggy a big ol’ hug in person because they’ve only ever talked on Facebook. I just loved watching my loved ones meet & hopefully make new friends. 
12. Our wedding coordinator Megan, minister Vaughn, and photographers Candice & Catherine. There was not one single person working with us who I didn’t enjoy. I really enjoyed them. Megan especially, poor girl dealt with a lot from me.
13. I had dinner with Karren, Clinton, & a good friend of ours named Cat at Cabo Wabo on Thursday. All us girls started crying because we were all in our feels but let me elaborate…5 years ago, we were little baby Flight Attendant trainees in Vegas. We were just getting to know each other. I was single. I believe Cat was too, I’m not sure. Life was so different then. I had literally just turned 30 in Vegas – they made me feel special, all my flight attendants did actually. It’s 5 years later…we’re back in Vegas. They’re still making me feel special & loved. Those are my people. My season 1 cast. It was such a full circle moment.
14. My groom. My man loves me. I will never have to worry that he doesn’t. There is not one day that goes by where I feel anything less than worshipped. That man bawled when I walked down the aisle (I laughed like a fucking hyena but not at him, nerves I suppose) He shook my daddy’s hand & hugged my momma & told her he loved her & finally my laughter stopped and the tears started…we found someone that loves us. Not someone who tolerates us but truly loves us all 3 & is willingly accepting us as his family unit. Actually it’s 4 of us but as you know, Emma had to stay home. He loves her so much, sometimes I think he truly believes he gave birth to that damn dog. 
15. My momma & daddy walked me down the aisle together. It was quite an entrance. I don’t care. I don’t think any of us care for attention but it is what it is, I had to get to the front somehow!! My mom & dad both deserved that opportunity. They are mine, I am theirs. They have raised me & taken care of me both in their own ways. I pray every day that I make them proud & that they don’t feel like I’ve messed up too bad. I wish I could’ve flown us first class instead of on standby, I wish I could’ve booked luxury suites at the Bellagio for all of us, & had the reception dinner at Guy Savoy or even Carbone…but I can’t (yet) but what I can do is have them walk me down the aisle, in an amazing city that I flew us to for free, to a man that loves & honors all 3 of us.

Notables ::::

1. The party walked down the aisle to Elvis Presley’s “Can’t Help Falling in Love”, I walked down the aisle to “Wonderful Tonight” by Eric Clapton, and we left to “I Gotta Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas. I was so anxious I didn’t even notice the music.

2. Clinton did a shot at dinner thinking it was Jager but was instead…a cup of soy sauce.

3. The Bellagio Christmas display was absolutely stunning! Jamie & I only had a brief visit but we loved it!

Sometimes I’m just like…I did it, man. I’m good. I can breathe now. It’s over. I can sleep again! Maybe I’ll stop waking up from panic! My stomach can return to normal. My wallet may recover…”may” as we’ll eventually have a honeymoon in a few months. Details on that, maybe never. I almost want to plan it in secret and just do it privately. Pop in on Facebook when we’re back & be like “surprise! We’ve been in the Maldives!” But for now, I’m glad it’s over. I’m happy to be home & out of the Vegas decadence.

Oh yeah, remember Linda from last post? The one with the batshit crazy announcement? Well she really WAS in Vegas & she worked our flight home to Orlando! She walked through the aisle telling people that Clint & I just got married 24 hours ago (it was longer) & that we were already fighting (we were talking about what we wanted as our snack) & then she offered to make an announcement for us…

– The Stremme’s

Hey guys!

I’m assuming if you’re reading this then you clicked a link I shared on Facebook so you all already know me and there’s no real need to introduce myself.

BUT…

On the off chance that you aren’t my mom, her friends, and maybe 2 people from my high school, I’d like to take this time to do a simple refresher.

First off, I’m Autumn. I’m 32, a flight attendant, a southern lady/Florida beach bum, happily taken, and obsessed with my dog (Emma Lou). I am also a lover of words. Writing is the only thing I am truly good at. Fun fact – I have had a blog nearly consistently since the MySpace days. They have all been terribly unsuccessful. Yet that doesn’t stop me! This domain was the last blog I had & I quit writing here in 2018. I was a reserve flight attendant who was busier than ever but did not really have the $150 to keep up the business plan I had purchased for the blog. Could I have dropped down to a cheaper plan? Of course I could have but I would have lost all of my custom features I had added on. I also just wasn’t feeling it. My content was of poor quality sometimes because I had a lot to say but not a lot of time to type out a proper post. I hope to change this all around.

Lots has changed since 2018 & I have missed having a space for my words! Quarantining especially has really brought that out in me – I have really needed a creative outlet! Turns out, Amazon is NOT that! Of course, I could have kept a nice journal or something but I usually just resort to jotting things down in the Notes app on my phone. Finally tonight, after my boyfriend & our dog went to bed, I crept into the living room with my long-neglected MacBook & clicked onto good ol’ WordPress. And ya’ll, I barely remember shit about blogging! My eyes were going crossed trying to figure things out! OH, and I should note – this time I did not purchase the business plan. Ya know…justincase.

If you’re a reader of the former “Me, You, & Emma-Lou” I’d like to say at this time – welcome back! I’m happy you are here & have taken even a mild interest or curiosity in my life & my writing! Gone are the days of posting about divorce and emotionally abusive partners or of getting my nipples pierced. Yes, first page & I’m already throwing nipples out there – I really wrote a whole page about that in 2017. It was titled “Bad Bitch” and contained lyrics from a rapper named Webbie. I regret NOTHING. Nowadays though, you’ll find me talking more about travel, my job, my man, & our life in Florida.

If you’re a new friend here, welcome! I’m happy to have you here as well! As a quick overview – I’m probably going to overshare things (see above), I’m definitely going to have a potty mouth (sorry not sorry), and I pretty much write exactly how I would say something to you in person. Please don’t let that scare you away.

I’m going to take this time to toot my own horn & post my first 5 star review –
“You should write again! Your blog is the only thing I have ever voluntarily read in my life from start to finish” – my boyfriend, folks. What a man.

Thanks for clicking guys! Let’s do this again sometime!

– Autumn