“Tell me what you know about dreamin’, dreamin’
You don’t really know about nothin’, nothin’
Tell me what you know about them night terrors every night
Five AM cold sweats, waking up to the sky
Tell me what you know about dreams, dreams
Tell me what you know about night terrors, nothin’
You don’t really care about the trials of tomorrow
Rather lay awake in the bed full of sorrow

I’m on the pursuit of happiness and I know
Everything that shine ain’t always gonna be gold, hey
I’ll be fine once I get it, yeah, I’ll be good”

– Kid Cudi

Something I’ve needed to work on for a while that is deeply affecting my mental health is my appearance. If you know me at all, you’d have to be a complete idiot to not notice how much I’ve changed over the last handful of years. The weight gain, the glasses, the noticeable gray strands of hair, my nails rarely being done. Sometimes it’s hard for me to look at myself in the mirror. I feel so sloppy and unkempt. I have been unable to bring myself to do better for myself…but I’m hoping that’ll change.

I get angry with Clinton because there’s just no way someone could delude themselves into thinking that I look good or healthy like this but there he is, every day telling me I’m gorgeous. I am appreciative because I spent an entire decade of my life with a man who never told me -not even once- that I was pretty, until we split up BUT I also want to shake him & demand that he tell me the truth because while it may hurt, I need to hear it. In my mind he has to know that what’s happened to me is not normal – how I could go from what I was when we started dating to what I am now is jarring, to say the least. People think this is one of those “Oh she fell in love & she’s fat & happy” situations but no…I am a tragic case of burnout. I am the prime example of what will happen to a person who never stops. I haven’t stopped running for ,like, seven years.

I’ve gained an astronomical amount of weight. Ninety pounds, if we’re being honest. My hips hurt. My hips are shot anyways, thanks to having bad hips at birth. I’ve already had hip surgery on them twice as a kid & currently need my left hip replaced again. I can’t afford it and quite frankly, I’m too afraid to do it so I’m not going to do it. I walk with a limp because of my hips. A Captain called me “Limpy” not long ago…I thought he called me “Lippy” because I often wear red lipstick at work but he clarified that it’s because I limp. I debated writing him up because that really pissed me off. I didn’t because I’m no snitch. However, I was a complete bitch & kept my distance the rest of our time together. I used to at least keep up with my hair because I refused to go gray in my 30s but at $200+ for a cut & color at my salon every 4-5 weeks…it’s also had to take a backseat. As you’ve read in my last few posts, anxiety has taken over my body & something I’ve done since I was a child (a child with extreme anxiety because I was both scared & worried over everything) is pick the skin around my nails. Last week I ruined my hands. Not one of my ten fingers weren’t chewed, gnawed, & picked till they were bloody & raw. My first plan of action is tomorrow after church I am going to get my nails done. It is the only remedy for my picking! I tried a set of press-ons last month that I’d found that I’d bought ages ago but honestly, I’m bad at applying them & I just feel that they look so cheap & poorly done that I feel even sloppier! They kept breaking off on the plane & all I could remember was a good flight attendant friend of mine who broke a nail off & it fell into a passenger’s McDonalds bag!! I would literally pass away if that happened to me so I just popped them all off right there on the jumpseat!

I hate seeing people from my past. I hate that they see me this way. When I went to Alabama to see old friends last fall I was mortified. At the same time, I hate meeting new people too. They think this is who I am when I know that it’s not. I just want to feel like myself again. I feel trapped in this body that doesn’t look or feel like mine. People tell me how to lose weight & I can’t help being offended because ,again, if you know me at all you know that I know to cook & eat healthily and I know how to work out. I’m not an idiot, I’ve been doing it my entire adult life. They think I’m just a clueless, lazy fat ass. I’m not exactly lazy as much as I’m rotting involuntarily.

A few months ago, Clinton got diagnosed as diabetic & we went sugar free. I’ve lost fifteen pounds from that so that has drastically helped but then I look at that remaining number…75. I still have 75 lbs left to lose. It’s daunting. I’ve taken a step back from anything more than 1 cocktail when I go out, I made a trip to the gym in Los Angeles a few days ago (I no longer have a gym membership at home as I know I can take advantage of going on my layovers for free), I’ve upped my water intake, doing my skin care, & have been making sure to spend time in the sun. I know that seems contradictory but I need time in the sun! Also, it’s a new day as I continue to write this so ,hello, from the massage chair at my nail salon! I’m presently making an effort & I’m praying that I don’t lose steam & stop trying for myself.

Having low self esteem after having inflated self esteem is an eye opener. People treat you differently…sometimes I notice it at work as I work in a field where beauty used to be an industry standard. In some ways I’ve wondered if I needed to be humbled. The one time my ex decided to compliment me he said to me “You know you were always out of my league right?” I looked him dead in the eye and said “Oh yes. I’ve always been very well aware of that” The nerve to think I’d never known! I’ve carried around this screenshot for years because it made me happy when this person (a guy I worked with from Indiana that I ended up as really good friends with) wrote me this but it also reminds me that…someone out there thinks this about me & it makes me feel like maybe I can reach this girl again. I know she’s there.

– Autumn